Humor: SOUTHERN WOMEN

We've all see this truism about the south. Well, after I refresh your memory, I've got my own additions to this:

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
 
 

Onlya Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up"a mess."
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Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of"yonder."
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long"directly"is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
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Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar"is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
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All Southerners know exactly when"by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
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Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad..  If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between"right near"and"a right far piece."They also know that"just down the road"can be 1 mile or 20.
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Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
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No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
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A Southerner knows that"fixin"can be used as a noun, a verb , or an adverb.
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Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South,y'allis singular, all y'all is plural.
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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
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Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
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Only true Southerners say"sweet tea"and"sweet milk."Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not li ke our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
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And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
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And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.  We know you got here as fast as you could 
 
 Lena's Additions :

Thanks. The south has some funny rules to it. Drives folks from other areas nuts. There are more funny bits about the South:

1. Don't bother hurrying business. It'll get done by and by. There's a specific order of courtesy that must be observed. Nothing happens fast in the south. It's just too dang hot to get all worked up about anything. Take your time. It's not polite to sweat, you know. First, coffee  and sweet tea will be offered and accepted. It must be drunk while discussing any light subject such as the last sports game, the chances of the local college team making it to the playoffs, the weather, fishing, and even light politics. (Be careful about discussing Obama, though. Touchy subject.) Then and only then, you may regretfully bring up the actual business. Don't forget to invite the other fellow to the barbeque (there's always one somewhere from March to November) before you leave.

2. Don't discuss feminine reproductive systems-- It's always ladylike to refer to anything having to do with the feminine reproductive system as "female problems." Never be specific. It could be your menstrual period, a minor infection, STD, or a hysterectomy. The severity of the issue doesn't matter. It's a "female problem" and you'd best blush and look embarrassed to have to bring it up at all. The only thing that doesn't fall under this category is pregnancy. "Being in the family way" is perfectly acceptable, as long as there's a husband or boyfriend involved, even if a wedding isn't. (Happens to the best of us, shugah!)

3. Similarly to #2, any sort of problem with the digestive system is "digestive diss-stress." (Yes, you have to say the second word that way.) We don't need to know if it's gas, nausea, or diarrhea. It's all "digestive diss-stress" and regrettable, bless your heart. Stay home in the air conditioning and take care of it.

4. I grew up knowing about homosexuality, casual as you please. The fact that some men preferred the company of other men was regretable, but forgiven, as long as they were discreet. Please, don't make us actually take notice, or we'll have to act like the preacher says we should. We'd rather not get all worked up about anything at all. ("He's a confirmed bachelor, honey. You can look all you like, but don't bother even batting your eyes in his direction. Now, let's discuss the merits of one of the Rutherford boys. There's a fine set to cast your eyes on...)

Women loving other women was quite understandable. What they did when no one was around was not to be discussed or even thought of, and you keep your nose to yourself, you hear? (Mary-Lou and Betty have been best friends their whole lives, don't you know! Betty's a dab hand with a car engine, and if you're a widow or divorcee who doesn't want to be taken advantage of, you go see Betty. Mary-Lou will serve tea and biscuits with her homemade blueberry preserves, and Betty will be in directly to tell you what the problem is and how she's fixing to do something about it. Don't you worry about a thing, honey.)

5. The sweeter your nickname, the more you're loved. "Honey" and "Shugah" are common, of course. "Punkin" you can call a child, if you wish. Combine it with a body part to show true affection. My Daddy still calls me "Sugar Foot" and means it with all the fatherly love he can give. Notice I call him "Daddy" and I'm almost fifty. Doesn't matter. In the South, you're Daddy's girl until the day you die.

So, as you can see, southerners approach every uncomfortable subject sideways, like a crab. We have better things to do than be in distress. We love to show affection with food and sweets especially. Everything means lovin' when it comes from the oven. If you're not as plump as a partridge by the time you're forty, something's wrong with you. I'm just saying! Bless your heart, we'll see you at the barbeque.